For parents of children and teens with big feelings…
Parents often bring their kids to therapy feeling frustrated, confused, or worn down by their child or teen’s behavior. The emotional outbursts, the withdrawal, the snarkiness or refusal to talk — it can all feel overwhelming. In those moments, it’s natural to reach for strategies: What consequence will work? How can I stop the yelling? What can I say to get through?
But from a psychodynamic perspective, we start somewhere deeper.
We begin with understanding — because behavior, especially intense behavior, is almost always a messenger.
Beneath the Behavior
All behavior has meaning. Whether it’s a six-year-old melting down after school or a sixteen-year-old slamming their bedroom door and refusing to talk, what we see on the surface is often just the tip of an emotional iceberg.
A few examples:
- A child who refuses to get dressed for school might not be “being difficult,” “lazy” or “slow,” but could be expressing anxiety about social challenges or expectations at school.
- A tween who constantly argues might be struggling with the push-pull of growing independence — stuck between being a child and a teenager — wanting to be in control but also craving reassurance that the relationship is still safe.
- A teen who retreats behind headphones and sarcasm might be using distance to protect tender, vulnerable, insecure feelings that come with this period of development and that they don’t yet know how to express.
When we pause to wonder what this behavior might be saying, rather than focusing only on how to stop it, we begin to meet the child or teen in their inner world — the place where the real work happens.
The Limits of Quick Fixes
Of course, structure and boundaries are important. Clear expectations help children and teens feel safe. But if our only goal is to manage behavior — to make the outburst stop, to win the argument, to get compliance — we risk missing the emotional meaning underneath.
A reward chart might motivate temporary cooperation, but it doesn’t teach a child what to do with disappointment or frustration.
Taking away a phone or other device might stop the yelling, but if the anger was covering fear or sadness, that feeling remains unaddressed.
Quick fixes can manage symptoms for a time.
Understanding heals the cause.
The Power of Feeling Understood
For children and teens who feel things deeply, being understood is profoundly regulating. When someone takes the time to look beyond the surface, not rush to judgment or take the behavior personally, and they can see that the angry tone might hide hurt, or that the tears about homework might actually be about feeling not good enough, something changes inside.
Understanding is not indulgence. It’s containment. It says, “I see that there’s more happening here, and I can handle it with you.”
When parents and therapists approach behavior with curiosity — “I wonder what this is really about?” — they help the young person develop that same curiosity about themselves. Over time, this builds emotional awareness and resilience.
A Different Kind of Change
In psychodynamic child and adolescent therapy, we work to understand the emotional meaning behind behavior — the fears, hopes, and conflicts that drive what a child or teen does. We explore how their inner world shows up in relationships, including with their parents.
For example:
- A child who keeps “acting out” at bedtime may be struggling with separation anxiety or worries they can’t name.
- A teen who suddenly withdraws from family dinners might be navigating feelings of overstimulation from the day and it feels safer to recharge on their own.
When these hidden feelings are recognized and acknowledged, behavior often shifts naturally — not because it’s been controlled, but because it no longer needs to shout to be heard. This is where the real change occurs.
Understanding Before Managing
The goal isn’t to abandon boundaries or structure, but to balance them with empathy and curiosity. When we understand what’s happening beneath the surface, our responses become more attuned, and children and teens feel safer to grow, explore, and regulate; to have their big feelings and know they, and you, will be ok.
When we trade management for understanding, we don’t just change behavior — we deepen connection.
And in that connection, healing begins.
