Much
like it sounds, self-care is the act of taking care of oneself. This
term applies to many categories, and the concept is frequently applied
to taking care of one’s physical health. For example, when someone has a
cold, taking a day off from work, getting rest, and eating chicken soup
might feel like just what is needed. When a person breaks an arm, going
to the hospital for an x-ray and a cast is a no-brainer. For a
headache, most people reach for the ibuprofen. No problem. However, when
it comes to mental or emotional health, the answer does not seem to be
so easy. Reaching for the Prozac is rarely as easy as grabbing the
Tylenol, and the recipe for chicken soup for the soul is not in the
cookbook next to the chocolate chip cookie recipe. Caring for mental and
emotional needs is a personal, often difficult and undervalued pursuit,
yet it is very important, especially for parents. Aside from personal
barriers, there are often external barriers that prevent parents from
attending to these needs. Some come from a person’s culture, from
society at large, and others may come from opinions of the person’s peer
group or partner, and still yet, a lack of awareness, information or
resources. However, when a person feels overwhelmed, frazzled, or
stressed out - it is a sure indicator that it is time for self-care.
Naturally,
since each person is an individual, what “self-care” means is different
for everyone. What makes someone feel cared for? Beyond “warm
fuzzies,” when people feel cared for, they feel revitalized, assured,
more at ease and recharged. They feel relief and ready to return to
life’s routine a less-distracted, more “present” person. Some people
find relief in an exercise routine like running or cycling, some find
relief in meditation, yoga or other mindfulness exercises. Others feel
like they are cared for when things are in order around their house or
office or when they have a concrete project on which they can work -
like an art project or major closet overhaul. The sense of personal
accomplishment provides a respite from the stress that builds and
overwhelms.
The
body’s stress response is a natural and very useful instinct present in
all animals. It helps people know when they are in danger (think dark
alley, stranger suddenly turns to follow you - you get a stress response
and the instinct to get out of there as soon as possible), which may
save their life. However, when a parent feels the need to run away
during a diaper change or when driving children to school, getting them
dressed, thinking of how to pay the bills, or where one’s next paycheck
will come from, that builds up and becomes a chronic issue that is not
useful for self-preservation. Chronic stress carries negative
physiological consequences, meaning that stress causes real effects on
the body and its ability to function.
What
exactly is stress? Stress is the body’s chemical response to an actual
or perceived threat that the body is uncertain how to deal with, which
happens when the demands of the situation exceed the immediate available
resources a person has to deal with it. So, in other words, a stressor
is something that overwhelms, whether or not other people would react in
the same way. All living bodies have chemical reactions in their brains
when stress is present called a “stress response.” The stress response
is a very important part of survival. Ever hear of the “fight or flight”
mechanism? It is the body’s way of deciding whether or not a stressor
is survivable or not. Quite literally, if a lion lunges from the bush to
attack a herd of zebras, the zebras run and run fast. Their brains know
that they cannot win a fight against the lion so they instinctively
kick it into high gear and flee. It is because of the chemical known as
“cortisol” that this response takes over. Cortisol helps to regulate
many things, including hunger, mood and emotions, and increases during a
stress response. When all of this cortisol shoots through the brain and
into the body, some things move faster - for example, respiration
(breathing), energy availability (an “adrenaline rush”), heart rate -
while other things shut down, such as the sensation of pain, digestion,
the ability sleep, tissue repair, reproduction, immune system. Only the
systems that the body needs to survive the immediate threat are turned
on and turned up, using all of the energy ordinarily saved for the
systems that have been shut off.
Chronic
stress is when the body never regulates fully and is constantly in a
state of stress response. People with stressful jobs, parents who do not
have resources or who do not get a break, those who have experienced
trauma, who live in poverty, are underemployed or financially stressed,
who have ongoing medical issues, have relationship difficulties, or
substance abuse addictions, among an endless list of others, are all at
risk of experiencing chronic stress. The constant pumping of cortisol
into the system keeps the body on high alert, which means that it also
keeps resources from other “non-essential” systems of the body like
sleep, emotional regulation and reproduction. The effects of chronic
stress are all around - uncontrollable diabetes, weight fluctuations, high
blood pressure, anger management issues, lack of patience, irrational
thinking, panic attacks, and poor decision-making skills, to name a few.
All of these can easily translate into troubled parenting. If parents
are chronically stressed, their ability to maintain patience and a level
head with an energetic, demanding, and not very verbal toddler is not
at its fullest potential. Parents may have a quicker temper or find
themselves resorting to more aggressive discipline techniques than they
would otherwise. Or, they might use the television to entertain their
children, when otherwise they might have enjoyed reading a book about
his or her favorite subject, solely because they just cannot cope with
the constant questioning of a curious four year old at that moment.
In a nutshell, what self-care boils down to stress-relief. No person wants to live in a constant state of agitation. Nobody chooses
to be impatient with their child(ren). Yet, so often the very thing
that might offer a respite from the feeling of being overwhelmed and
over-extended - self-care - makes people, parents in particular, feel
guilty or selfish. As if taking care of oneself were not, by extension,
taking care of one’s other responsibilities or that by doing something
for oneself is bad because it is time away from doing for others who are
dependent. Being cared for, and in this case caring for oneself, allows the
stress levels to reduce so all systems can balance out and function
optimally and, thus, allows for people to be happier and more “present”
in their tasks. Parents especially need to practice self-care because
they have the lives of their little ones to manage as well, and they
cannot afford to be anything but able to do so. Not to mention that a
stressed parent makes for a stressed child. If parents practice
self-care, children will learn that caring for themselves is an okay and
valuable thing to do. So it is the furthest thing from selfish to
practice self-care.
So,
take some time to think about what it is that makes you feel cared for.
A hobby - painting, building model cars, collecting stamps,
scrapbooking, cooking? Athletics - running, yoga, martial arts, group
classes? Socializing - social clubs that meet around topics that
interest you, book groups, role play games, girls-night-out? Time alone -
meditation, a hot bath, listening to music, reading a book? Academic
pursuits - going back to school for a degree or a certificate, taking a
pottery, photography, or dance class. Whatever it is, make time for you
in order to make life for you and your others better.
Posted by Andrea Hohf, LSW
